你觉得是时候说出心底的秘密了吗

As time passed, though, he felt guilty, especially when he thought of his ex- or saw their children. He worried about what it was doing to her, not knowing what had become of the doll. So one day, at a family event with his ex-wife about five years later, he blurted out what he had done. 'She was shocked and mad and then said something to the effect of 'that was awhile ago,'' Mr. Speakman, now 71 recalls. 'I think she appreciated the honesty.'
不过随着时间的推移，他感觉到了内疚，特别是想到前妻或者看到两人孩子的时候。他担心这件事会对她产生的影响，也不知道玩偶成了什么样子。所以大约五年后，在和前妻参加一次家庭活动时，他说出了自己的所作所为。现年71岁的斯皮克曼回忆道：“她很震惊，也很生气，然后说了些‘那已经是很久以前的事了’之类的话。我觉得她很欣赏我的坦诚。”

How do you decide whether to reveal a secret? Tread carefully here, experts say. If telling the secret will hurt someone and produce no benefit, then it shouldn't be told. Had an affair decades ago? If it's long over and your marriage is good, mum's the word.
如何判断是否应该公开秘密？专家说，要格外小心。如果公开秘密会伤害别人，不会有任何益处，那么就不应该公开。几十年前有过婚外情？如果已经过去很久，而且现在婚姻很幸福，那还是守口如瓶吧。

Unless you have a good therapist, you're on your own on this decision. Dr. Afifi says examine your motivation. Is it selfish? The desire to get something off your chest or a feeling of moral obligation to tell aren't good enough reasons to cause someone else pain. Consider how telling the secret will affect the listener, the relationship and other people, as well. Weigh long-term benefits against short-term drawbacks.
除非你有很好的治疗师，否则做决定得靠自己。阿菲菲博士说，要检查你的动机。是不是出于私心？有想卸掉包袱的欲望，或者觉得道德上有义务说出秘密，这些并不是给别人造成痛苦的足够好的理由。想想说出秘密会对对方产生什么影响，还有对双方关系以及其他人的影响。对长远的利益和眼前的弊端进行权衡。

People tend to disclose secrets in one of five ways, Dr. Afifi says. When we think the other person will react negatively, we are more likely to disclose indirectly, say by telling a third party. We might be rehearsing for the big tell. Or we might secretly hope the secret will get out. Sometimes we tell with incremental revelations, at first telling just a part of the secret to judge the reaction.
阿菲菲博士说，人们透露秘密的方式通常有五种。当我们认为对方会是消极的反应时，我们会更有可能间接地暗示，比如通过第三方转达。我们可能会提前彩排，或者背地里希望秘密会泄露出去。有时我们会循序渐进地告诉对方，一开始只说出一部分以判断对方的反应。

We might use a hypothetical scenario ('What would you think if this happened . . .') or pretend the secret belongs to someone else ('My co-worker, John, has this secret . . .'). Sometimes we are angry and wait for the heat of the moment to blurt the secret out, a strategy Dr. Afifi calls 'entrapment.'
我们可能会假设某种情形，比如“如果发生这种事……你会怎么想”，或者假装秘密是别人的，比如“我的同事约翰有一个秘密……”。有时我们会生气，等到气头上将秘密脱口而出，阿菲菲博士称之为“将计就计”战略。

And then there is the most direct method: We just tell it, calmly. It's important to explain to the other person why we are telling them the secret, says Anita Vangelisti, professor of communication studies at the University of Texas at Austin, who researches secrets. Say, 'I am telling you this because I care about our relationship' or 'I trust you with this information.'
还有就是最直接的方法：平静地说出来。得克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校(University of Texas at Austin)研究秘密的传播学教授安妮塔・万杰利斯蒂(Anita Vangelisti)说，很重要的一点是向对方解释为何要告诉他们这个秘密，比如“我告诉你这个秘密是因为我在乎我们的关系”，或者“我相信你会为我保密”。

Explaining our motivation 'helps reduce some of the tension, uncertainty and anxiety that might be evoked by the telling,' Dr. Vangelisti says.
万杰利斯蒂博士说，解释我们的动机“有助于减少说出秘密可能带来的压力、不确定感和焦虑”。

'And if we do decide to share a secret,' she adds, 'we need to be willing to listen afterward.'
她说：“如果我们决定了要分享一个秘密，就需要在说出来后愿意倾听。”